I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I forget how to act sober
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
