I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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