I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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