the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
