Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
