rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
