I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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