WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
