Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
