Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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