I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
