I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
