he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I need to calm my uterus...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
