I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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