don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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