It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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