There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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