Soap is not a condiment
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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