You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You ruined the universe
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize