the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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