hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
