I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She's the barista slut.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
