Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
