At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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