I understand Curling. That high.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
