I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
