Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
