Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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