I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
