is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
