Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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