I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize