Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
