yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
