my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
