I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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