I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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