I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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