Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Princesses don't give blow jobs
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
