tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
