im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize