the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
