Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
