At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
