The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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