i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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