He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
