its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
