we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
