2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
