8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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