So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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