Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Two words: blizzard sex
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
