DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
