my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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