I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So vagazzling was a success
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
