So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
