I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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