is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
