It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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