i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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