I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
