she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
